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Archive for the ‘Exile Island’ Category

Top 5 Crappy Movies of 2010

December 29, 2010 1 comment

Stay in the desert ladies. I'll deal with you later.

Yeah, that’s right, I like to focus on the crap that Hollywood force-fed us over the past 12 months.

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Winona Ryder: Riiiight…..

December 10, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s been a long time since Ms. “I need to bag me a husband” Ryder has done anything newsworthy. I guess that will happen when you get caught shoplifting thousands of dollars of merchandise.

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Sarah Jessica Parker’s Right Breast is Very Excited About Harry Potter

November 18, 2010 Leave a comment

Wingardium leviosa!

It’s either that or the leathery casing she calls skin is starting to break down from all the plastic surgeries. 

–Cap’n Blackjack

Photo courtesy Boston.com

Angry Rant of the Day: The Mid-Term Election and the Impatient Slobbering Mob

November 4, 2010 4 comments

Nice job, America.  Nice job.

You weren’t happy with how long it was taking to get out of the second worst economic collapse in U.S. history so you voted the same people that caused the problem in the first place back into office.

You voted angrily, using your negative emotions as a compass instead of reason and thought.

You rewarded those that spent a record amount in out-of-state negative campaign commercials, thereby ensuring many more campaigns of bought-and-paid-for politician automatons in the coming years.

You ensured that the next two years will be even MORE gridlocked in Washington, despite your pleas for LESS gridlock and political inaction.

You rallied against the snobby liberal elite, because they remind you JUST HOW STUPID YOU REALLY ARE.  Can’t have that!

You emboldened the offensive, racist, and blatant right wing propaganda arm Fox News with the best ratings on election night.  More fake slanted news to come, America.  Well done.

You never once thought about how solving problems always takes longer than creating them.  You gave Bush eight years in office and he drove our economy in the ground with rampant deregulation and a blatant disregard for the little people his party tries so hard to pretend it caters to.  You then gave his successor less than two years to fix it.  LESS THAN TWO YEARS.  For the second worst recession in our nation’s history!  Do you realize how long it took to recover from the Great Depression?  Do you?  Of course not.  You’d have to go ask some snooty liberal for the answer and you wouldn’t dare do that.  Well, I’ll give you the answer:

Over ten years.  OVER TEN YEARS!!!

But you only gave Obama two.  Less, actually.  And now he’ll have no chance to do anything with that spray-tanned asshat Boehner taking over for Pelosi who was just OH SO terrible (and why was that, exactly?).

Basically, because of you, we’re FUCKED.

FUCKED BECAUSE YOU ELECTED THE SAME PEOPLE THAT CAUSED THE PROBLEM BACK INTO OFFICE.

FUCKED BECAUSE YOU LET YOUR EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF YOU TO THE DETRIMENT OF ALL.

FUCKED BECAUSE YOU PROVED TO THE WORLD THAT AMERICANS ARE NOTHING BUT AN IMPATIENT MOB OF KNOW-NOTHING REDNECKS. 

And it’s actually worse than that.  That’s because…

YOU’RE PROUD OF IT. 

Amazing.

–Cap’n Blackjack

Like the World Series but Hate Joe Buck and Tim McCarver? Well, Today’s Your Lucky Day!

October 27, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s a scientifically-proven fact that there is a direct inverse relationship between the importance of baseball games and the quality of televised commentating.  If you don’t believe me (and science, I might add—what are you a tea partier?) please see Exhibit A:

Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  The worst announcers this side of Joe Morgan.

But all is not lost my baseball loving friends!  Because you, dear reader, can avoid such gems as “A walk is just as important as a home run here” (no, it’s not) and “One of the first things they teach a pitcher is to pitch to the catcher” (no shit, shithead) during the fight to the finish between San Fran and Texas this week.  Find out how after the jump.

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Katherine Heigl making another predictable movie..this time in Boston!

October 19, 2010 Leave a comment

I see you giving me the finger

Loyal, sexy readers of the Island know how we feel about Ms. Heigl .

It’s not good.

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The Will Smith Laboratory’s Newest Creation: Willow…UNLEASHED!!!

October 19, 2010 Leave a comment

Now there are two of them!

The two I’m referring to, of course, are Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s genetically-engineered-in-a-state-of-the-art-laboratory children:  Jaden and now, Willow. 

Yes, Willow:  the newest Smith to toss privacy and the semblance of a normal life to the gutter.  She’s nine.  She’s got a music video.  And she’s whippin’ her hair!  Check it out:

Personally I’d be pissed if some nine year old daughter of two movie stars marched into a room and started whipping paint at me.  Wouldn’t you?  The kids in the video seem to like it though…  Maybe I’m out of touch.  Nevertheless, I’m not going to make any snap judgments on the video itself.  Instead, after seeing this, I wonder…

Do the Smith kids actually WANT to be actors/musicians/whatever or are they being genetically created in the Will Smith Child Star Laboratory for that purpose alone?  Some thoughts after the jumpedy-jump.

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